‘I’m starting to feel free again.’
It feels like my eyes are closed, nothing but darkness surrounding me. Cold, freezing air swirling around me, still, like I’m stuck outside in the coldest of winter with no cover, no shelter. It was as if I was stuck outside in the cold, nothing but a thin blanket wrapping me up. There I was, standing out in the middle of the night, darkness surrounding me, and the shocking winter air around me. My bare feet turning blue, standing in the snow, tingling and turning numb, I saw it in front of my eyes. For so long it felt like I was just standing there, feet away from my house, the windows drawn open with frost biting the glass. And there was my family, my friends, my supposed life going on through the clear glass. The lights burning and bright, as if they wanted the whole neighbourhood to see. They wanted me to see as I was stuck outdoors, like they were mocking me in a way. That’s what my life felt like for so long. I was locked out of my house (my life), while it went on around me, and I couldn’t do a thing. The decisions weren’t mine anymore, I was just a by passer in my own life.
It wasn’t always like that though, only in recent years. Ever since a certain somebody came into my life, and completely destroyed it. As if my life was this beautiful, evergreen forest of some kind, and this person started a match, flicking it to the ground. Everything bursting into flames in my life, but it was as if nobody saw it happening. Maybe they saw the ashes flicking off the trees, maybe they saw the bright orange spreading throughout the sky, or maybe they heard quiet sobbing in my room late at night, trying to hide my cries. But they chose to look away. I don’t blame them though, how could anyone help a damaged girl like me? How could anyone help me if I didn’t know how to help myself?
It was because of one person, or at least I like to think this all had to do with one person. One person, one boy from high school, one I try to forget. And I have forgotten from time to time, it’s gotten better, but there are still times he makes an appearance in my head. I think he always will. However I don’t believe he’s the only one to be held accountable here. I am too. Maybe I’ve done some things I shouldn’t have in the past, maybe I’ve put blame on myself when things weren’t even my fault. It has taken me awhile to realize what happened that night in the field wasn’t my fault. For so long when I thought about that night all I could put blame on was me. Not even him, just me. But that’s not right, it shouldn’t be. Because I didn’t ask for that, no matter what I said to him or did. I didn’t want that, and he took me option away. That’s on him. That’s his fault. I know that now.
For a long time, I felt like I was walking in the dark. No light hovering above me, nothing leading me away. Just nothing. A black, empty nothing leading me nowhere, I was walking aimlessly in the dark. No direction, nothing. But I’ve been in the dark for so long I forgot what the sun felt like on my skin. The warmth, radiating down. The colour that flashed over my eyes, even when they were closed. I think the light has been trying to make its way to me all this time, but I kept shutting it out. Like I wanted to keep seeing myself as a victim, like I kept wanting to think of this incident over and over again, I don’t know why. Like I wanted to keep pitying myself instead of moving forward. I don’t want to be in the dark anymore, I want to see the light, the brightness, I want to be free.
I don’t know if I forgive him. I don’t think I ever can. A part of me wants to hate him, wants to keep thinking about it, wants to feel the pain. As if the hurt, and the pain is what lights the fire in me, the fire for something to change. Change in my life, and in others. But that pain is exhausting, that anger, fear and hate is just overwhelming sometimes, I feel like I’m out of air. It hurts sometimes, I’m not saying it doesn’t anymore, I think a part of me will always be hurt. Will always be sad in a way, angry. But I don’t want that to be all there is of me. I want more, I want something better. If things from the past come up in my life, I won’t push them away, I won’t ignore them like I used to in the beginning. I will let myself think of them, the memories, but I won’t let them take control of my life. I won’t let them completely consume me, that’s happened too many times. I will let those memories go, and then maybe I can finally get on with my life.
I don’t really know why I’m writing this. He’s never going to read this. So I guess I’m writing it for me, to get things off my chest, to finally let out everything that’s been swirling around in my head for so long, like a tornado of thoughts and feelings. All jumbled up and bleeding into each other, they all seem to connect.
Finally, I think I’m starting to see some kind of brightness beyond the tunnel. Sure, maybe I’ll still have some bad days, but those are inevitable. I think everyone has bad days from time to time, that’s just life. But I don’t want all my days to be bad, filled with painful memories and feelings, I want something better for myself. I like to think I can maybe help someone, someone like me, or going through what I did. I joined a support group over social media, and just by talking to some of the other members I feel that has helped me greatly. I feel like maybe I can be there for someone who needs it, who needs someone else to be there, to listen. I don’t know, but just helping others has helped me too I guess.
I’m glad I’m here. I’m glad I’m alive. I didn’t use to, but I do now.
The sun shines warmly on my face. Bright, burning, radiating all over. The snow on the ground melts away, sinking into the grass around me. Winter is gone, summer is now among us. Birds sing above me, a tune only they know, flying overhead the trees, calling out to others. It’s no longer dark, the night has passed, as the blazing sun rises beyond the houses along the street. The blanket wrapped around me is gone, no longer vulnerable, clothes are attached to me now. And finally the front door opens, my family and friends are at the entrance, warm, bright and loving smiles spread along all their faces, as they wave their arms to welcome me in. Welcome me back into the house, into my life. And the brightness almost blinds me as I squint. I’m starting to feel free again.
